“Ooh, yes, I like the space. There’s a lot of it, isn’t there? I could put some flowers over here, and- ooh! That wall would be perfect for a banner! I’m sure we could get a banner! Can we do banners, Haresh? You know, ‘special offer’, that sort of thing? Hm? Haresh? Come on, say something, you’ve been quiet ever since we walked in!”
Gita Chandra turned to her husband in disbelief as his silence continued, punctuated by a “yes, probably” which sounded distant and distracted. Haresh did not like having to look at the insides of shops to let. Haresh did not like having to be involved with the business at all if he could possibly help it. He would much rather have been sitting behind his large and important-looking desk, shouting at a juvenile student. In fact, he relished shouting. And sitting. He very much enjoyed sitting. Especially if there were biscuits. Sitting down, having a bit of a rant, and then tucking into a chocolate digestive was the sort of experience for which he had become a teacher in the first place, so his success in becoming the headteacher of yet another school had filled him with joy when he had received the job offer several months previously. He had simply wanted life to return to normal again. All of this nonsense about alien invasions, and streets being blown up, and genetically engineered boy-
“Haresh! Are you even paying attention?”
Haresh snapped out of his contemplations as he registered the harsh tones of Gita. She was evidently cross. Haresh didn’t like it when Gita was cross, because it scared him. Not very many things scared Haresh Chandra, but if there were two things that did, it was aliens blowing up streets and Gita in a cross mood. He resolved to start paying attention immediately and see whether he could avert disaster by working out what had been disclosed so far in the conversation between Gita and the Intimidating Man who was showing them around the small, slightly dirty shop.
“Yes, of course, dear. You were saying that we’ll think about it, yes?”
Gita could not be doing with her husband’s ignorance. It was a good thing that she had everything under control, because if it was all left down to him, nothing would get done at all. After all, it was she who spent her time running the business, while Haresh remained in school for the rest of his days, and had cosy meetings with important people while she had to actually order products and put them on display. After all, ordering products was extremely difficult, especially since Gita had already been rejected by two wholesale flower suppliers, apparently as a result of her “extreme verbosity”.
“No, I’ve handed over the first month’s rent already. We’re going to have to start sprucing the place up straight away.”
Haresh’s heart sank. He hated it when Gita made decisions. This had been the very first shop they had viewed, and she’d already agreed to use it as their new premises. This was approximately the worst thing she had done so far that day, although Haresh could never be sure about those sorts of things. He reacted to the news by sighing deeply and then saying “oh, good”. He was used to this sort of thing by this point. There was nothing he could do now, so there was no use in arguing.
He really wished that this could all have just been a dream, and that he could wake up, and do some shouting.
Gita Chandra turned to her husband in disbelief as his silence continued, punctuated by a “yes, probably” which sounded distant and distracted. Haresh did not like having to look at the insides of shops to let. Haresh did not like having to be involved with the business at all if he could possibly help it. He would much rather have been sitting behind his large and important-looking desk, shouting at a juvenile student. In fact, he relished shouting. And sitting. He very much enjoyed sitting. Especially if there were biscuits. Sitting down, having a bit of a rant, and then tucking into a chocolate digestive was the sort of experience for which he had become a teacher in the first place, so his success in becoming the headteacher of yet another school had filled him with joy when he had received the job offer several months previously. He had simply wanted life to return to normal again. All of this nonsense about alien invasions, and streets being blown up, and genetically engineered boy-
“Haresh! Are you even paying attention?”
Haresh snapped out of his contemplations as he registered the harsh tones of Gita. She was evidently cross. Haresh didn’t like it when Gita was cross, because it scared him. Not very many things scared Haresh Chandra, but if there were two things that did, it was aliens blowing up streets and Gita in a cross mood. He resolved to start paying attention immediately and see whether he could avert disaster by working out what had been disclosed so far in the conversation between Gita and the Intimidating Man who was showing them around the small, slightly dirty shop.
“Yes, of course, dear. You were saying that we’ll think about it, yes?”
Gita could not be doing with her husband’s ignorance. It was a good thing that she had everything under control, because if it was all left down to him, nothing would get done at all. After all, it was she who spent her time running the business, while Haresh remained in school for the rest of his days, and had cosy meetings with important people while she had to actually order products and put them on display. After all, ordering products was extremely difficult, especially since Gita had already been rejected by two wholesale flower suppliers, apparently as a result of her “extreme verbosity”.
“No, I’ve handed over the first month’s rent already. We’re going to have to start sprucing the place up straight away.”
Haresh’s heart sank. He hated it when Gita made decisions. This had been the very first shop they had viewed, and she’d already agreed to use it as their new premises. This was approximately the worst thing she had done so far that day, although Haresh could never be sure about those sorts of things. He reacted to the news by sighing deeply and then saying “oh, good”. He was used to this sort of thing by this point. There was nothing he could do now, so there was no use in arguing.
He really wished that this could all have just been a dream, and that he could wake up, and do some shouting.
Meanwhile, somewhere near Ealing, Commander Kaagh awoke.
Commander Kaagh had no recollection of how, precisely, he had got there, but this did not bother him. He was far more interested in seeking and destroying his greatest nemesis, who he was sure, although he was not sure why, was somewhere fairly nearby.
Commander Kaagh decided that his optimum action strategy would be to ask the nearest puny human as to the location of Bannerman Road, which, he recalled, was the location of his great foe. His eyes were drawn to a human male skulking down the street. Kaagh grabbed the boy and dragged him into a nearby alley.
“You! Puny human! You will inform me as to the location of Number Thirteen, Bannerman Road, or I will annihilate your tiny, pathetic mind!”
The human regarded Kaagh. Even in his confusion, the Sontaran could see the fear in his eyes. He licked his lips and slammed the man forcefully against the wall. The human spluttered slightly.
“B-B-Bannerman Road doesn’t exist- it- it- got destroyed in an army training exercise!”
Commander Kaagh was not satisfied with this meagre piece of intelligence data, and so proceeded to question the human on the precise location of his sworn enemy. Unfortunately, the human proved entirely useless in this regard, so Commander Kaagh had been on the verge of using him as a piece of target practise when he remembered the importance of his mission. Disregarding the human entirely, Commander Kaagh walked on, using a new strategy which he entitled “Operation Undercover”.
Old Mrs Jolon was mildly surprised to encounter a short man who resembled a potato, but was nevertheless glad to provide the impatient whippersnapper with directions to Foxgrove, and Sarah Jane Smith’s house. She had asked him why it was that he wanted to know this information, but received no answer.
Commander Kaagh continued to march down the streets of Foxgrove, becoming progressively lost. He regretted failing to bring any maps or indeed to come up with any clear strategy whatsoever. It was at this point that Commander Kaagh encountered Daniel Orange.
Dan had not been having the best of days himself. His elder brother had continued in his perennial mission to taunt him to the point of total collapse, while his parents had attempted to prevent him from continuing in his own endeavour to complete Level Twelve of the video game in which he was embroiled. Overall, he had become particularly disgruntled with the world and, what’s more, there was a short yet intimidating man striding towards him and carrying a gun almost as tall as the man himself.
Dan and Kaagh regarded each other; Kaagh looked into the eyes of this new person, this noticeably puny example of a human, while Dan observed the angry and stubby face of the approaching stranger. He was wearing a strange space-age blue armoured suit, and his face distinctly resembled a particularly dirty and hairy potato. Dan was not prejudiced (he held this as one of his greatest attributes, if he did say so himself).
“Who are you?”
“You will cease your questions, and tell me the location of Sarah Jane Smith,” Kaagh ordered. His reflexes determined that the logical course of action at this point would be to threaten the mewling cub with destruction, they always fell e. However, it was just as he raised his gun for the war execution that Dan was able to defend the value of his life.
“Okay! Okay! I’ll take you to Sarah Jane’s house! Please don’t kill me!”
“That’s better,” announced Kaagh, and permitted Dan to guide him to the correct location in Foxgrove, to which they trudged for an eternity of fifteen minutes, during which Dan contemplated the death that would surely await him if he tried to trick his captor, and Kaagh contemplated the delicious taste of victory which was swimming on the winds towards his war-bloodied lips.
Eventually, they reached 53 Diamond Way, and Dan knocked on the door. Kaagh pushed him aside and promptly raised his gun in order to obliterate the door, at which point it was opened by a bemused looking Melody. Kaagh regarded Melody with vague wonder for a moment, but then instantly recalled his mission and demanded to know the location of Sarah Jane Smith.
“Upstairs, I think, but why- who-?”
Melody was swept aside with mighty efficiency from Kaagh, who stomped up each step with greater and greater strength in order to announce his presence. Upon reaching the landing, he bellowed his great enemy’s name aloud and investigated the closest room. It contained a small assortment of paraphernalia- but far less than he expected of Sarah Jane Smith- but it seemed to be empty of people. Pah. Never mind, Kaagh had the patience of- well, he didn’t have time to waste deciding how much patience he had! There were enemies to obliterate the brains of!
Kaagh stormed into room after room in his search for his mighty nemesis, that scoundrel who spited the Sontaran Empire, Sarah Jane Smith. Yet he could not find her in any room. He stormed downstairs again, louder and louder with each step, until he violently jumped onto the ground at the bottom. He found Melody once again, who was still standing confused beside the front door with Dan, and demanded once again to know where Sarah Jane Smith was if they valued their lives.
Melody confirmed that Sarah Jane was definitely not downstairs, because she would probably have noticed if she had been, so perhaps she could be found in the shed.
Once the two puny humans had explained what a shed was, Kaagh proceeded into the small garden, raised his laser gun, and blasted the shed instantly into smithereens.
Melody and Dan both stood shocked at this development, while Melody attempted to recall the occasion upon which she had heard a similar story about a shed being destroyed by a space traveller. She couldn’t, so she discarded the thread of thought.
Kaagh, satisfied that he had destroyed Sarah Jane Smith now and forever, proceeded to prepare to enact his new plan, which was, in the absence of anyone to stop him, to conquer the Earth.
Commander Kaagh had no recollection of how, precisely, he had got there, but this did not bother him. He was far more interested in seeking and destroying his greatest nemesis, who he was sure, although he was not sure why, was somewhere fairly nearby.
Commander Kaagh decided that his optimum action strategy would be to ask the nearest puny human as to the location of Bannerman Road, which, he recalled, was the location of his great foe. His eyes were drawn to a human male skulking down the street. Kaagh grabbed the boy and dragged him into a nearby alley.
“You! Puny human! You will inform me as to the location of Number Thirteen, Bannerman Road, or I will annihilate your tiny, pathetic mind!”
The human regarded Kaagh. Even in his confusion, the Sontaran could see the fear in his eyes. He licked his lips and slammed the man forcefully against the wall. The human spluttered slightly.
“B-B-Bannerman Road doesn’t exist- it- it- got destroyed in an army training exercise!”
Commander Kaagh was not satisfied with this meagre piece of intelligence data, and so proceeded to question the human on the precise location of his sworn enemy. Unfortunately, the human proved entirely useless in this regard, so Commander Kaagh had been on the verge of using him as a piece of target practise when he remembered the importance of his mission. Disregarding the human entirely, Commander Kaagh walked on, using a new strategy which he entitled “Operation Undercover”.
Old Mrs Jolon was mildly surprised to encounter a short man who resembled a potato, but was nevertheless glad to provide the impatient whippersnapper with directions to Foxgrove, and Sarah Jane Smith’s house. She had asked him why it was that he wanted to know this information, but received no answer.
Commander Kaagh continued to march down the streets of Foxgrove, becoming progressively lost. He regretted failing to bring any maps or indeed to come up with any clear strategy whatsoever. It was at this point that Commander Kaagh encountered Daniel Orange.
Dan had not been having the best of days himself. His elder brother had continued in his perennial mission to taunt him to the point of total collapse, while his parents had attempted to prevent him from continuing in his own endeavour to complete Level Twelve of the video game in which he was embroiled. Overall, he had become particularly disgruntled with the world and, what’s more, there was a short yet intimidating man striding towards him and carrying a gun almost as tall as the man himself.
Dan and Kaagh regarded each other; Kaagh looked into the eyes of this new person, this noticeably puny example of a human, while Dan observed the angry and stubby face of the approaching stranger. He was wearing a strange space-age blue armoured suit, and his face distinctly resembled a particularly dirty and hairy potato. Dan was not prejudiced (he held this as one of his greatest attributes, if he did say so himself).
“Who are you?”
“You will cease your questions, and tell me the location of Sarah Jane Smith,” Kaagh ordered. His reflexes determined that the logical course of action at this point would be to threaten the mewling cub with destruction, they always fell e. However, it was just as he raised his gun for the war execution that Dan was able to defend the value of his life.
“Okay! Okay! I’ll take you to Sarah Jane’s house! Please don’t kill me!”
“That’s better,” announced Kaagh, and permitted Dan to guide him to the correct location in Foxgrove, to which they trudged for an eternity of fifteen minutes, during which Dan contemplated the death that would surely await him if he tried to trick his captor, and Kaagh contemplated the delicious taste of victory which was swimming on the winds towards his war-bloodied lips.
Eventually, they reached 53 Diamond Way, and Dan knocked on the door. Kaagh pushed him aside and promptly raised his gun in order to obliterate the door, at which point it was opened by a bemused looking Melody. Kaagh regarded Melody with vague wonder for a moment, but then instantly recalled his mission and demanded to know the location of Sarah Jane Smith.
“Upstairs, I think, but why- who-?”
Melody was swept aside with mighty efficiency from Kaagh, who stomped up each step with greater and greater strength in order to announce his presence. Upon reaching the landing, he bellowed his great enemy’s name aloud and investigated the closest room. It contained a small assortment of paraphernalia- but far less than he expected of Sarah Jane Smith- but it seemed to be empty of people. Pah. Never mind, Kaagh had the patience of- well, he didn’t have time to waste deciding how much patience he had! There were enemies to obliterate the brains of!
Kaagh stormed into room after room in his search for his mighty nemesis, that scoundrel who spited the Sontaran Empire, Sarah Jane Smith. Yet he could not find her in any room. He stormed downstairs again, louder and louder with each step, until he violently jumped onto the ground at the bottom. He found Melody once again, who was still standing confused beside the front door with Dan, and demanded once again to know where Sarah Jane Smith was if they valued their lives.
Melody confirmed that Sarah Jane was definitely not downstairs, because she would probably have noticed if she had been, so perhaps she could be found in the shed.
Once the two puny humans had explained what a shed was, Kaagh proceeded into the small garden, raised his laser gun, and blasted the shed instantly into smithereens.
Melody and Dan both stood shocked at this development, while Melody attempted to recall the occasion upon which she had heard a similar story about a shed being destroyed by a space traveller. She couldn’t, so she discarded the thread of thought.
Kaagh, satisfied that he had destroyed Sarah Jane Smith now and forever, proceeded to prepare to enact his new plan, which was, in the absence of anyone to stop him, to conquer the Earth.
Sarah Jane fled from her house at full pelt towards the shops. The shops had been her contingency plan in case she came under attack in her own home. She had had an escape route built that led from her new attic down to a short tunnel in the garden. So the moment that she had heard noisy stomping on the stairs after she had ordered a new car, she had made for the exit.
“No, you shouldn’t do things like that when I’m not paying atten- Oh! Hello Sarah Jane!”
“Oh, hello Haresh, Gita- Sorry, must rush, I’m in an awful hurry, I have to get to the supermarket before it shuts-”
“Oh! Sarah Jane! Don’t worry about that, they’ll be open for a good two hours yet, I checked, and incidentally, you’ll never guess where Haresh and I have just been, will she Haresh, no she won’t, we’ve just been looking at a new shop, and we’ve decided that we like it, so we’ll be moving in right away-”
“That’s great, Gita-”
Sarah Jane was in a desperate hurry. She really didn’t have time for this idle chitchat when there was what had sounded very much like a Sontaran on the loose. Sarah Jane was petrified of Sontarans, especially Sontarans intent upon killing her, and she needed to get to the shop so that she could consult Sentinel in a public and therefore inconspicuous place, while also being provided with ample hiding places (for she had thought this through meticulously on a previous occasion). However, Gita was becoming particularly hard to shake.
“...And I said, but I’ve been with you for my car insurance for three years now, isn’t that worth something, but apparently it isn’t, and only five crashes- and of course the car being blown up, they didn’t like that much- but I said, I could insure my house and that got blown up too, and I don’t see why you shouldn’t insure my car, and did you know I have a flower business, and we’ll have a new shop soon, so…”
Sarah Jane was at a complete loss for what to do. She was well aware that Gita’s one-sided conversations could go on for a period of several hours, but she did not have time for it today.
Sarah Jane pushed past Gita brusquely in her hurry and continued towards the shop, ignoring the frantic and furious protests coming from behind her.
“Did you see that, Haresh? That was rude! Did you see how rude that was? Honestly, ever since that day when there was- well, everyone says it was a training exercise but it was really an alien, wasn’t it, and I told you that there were aliens all along and I was right so-”
“No, you shouldn’t do things like that when I’m not paying atten- Oh! Hello Sarah Jane!”
“Oh, hello Haresh, Gita- Sorry, must rush, I’m in an awful hurry, I have to get to the supermarket before it shuts-”
“Oh! Sarah Jane! Don’t worry about that, they’ll be open for a good two hours yet, I checked, and incidentally, you’ll never guess where Haresh and I have just been, will she Haresh, no she won’t, we’ve just been looking at a new shop, and we’ve decided that we like it, so we’ll be moving in right away-”
“That’s great, Gita-”
Sarah Jane was in a desperate hurry. She really didn’t have time for this idle chitchat when there was what had sounded very much like a Sontaran on the loose. Sarah Jane was petrified of Sontarans, especially Sontarans intent upon killing her, and she needed to get to the shop so that she could consult Sentinel in a public and therefore inconspicuous place, while also being provided with ample hiding places (for she had thought this through meticulously on a previous occasion). However, Gita was becoming particularly hard to shake.
“...And I said, but I’ve been with you for my car insurance for three years now, isn’t that worth something, but apparently it isn’t, and only five crashes- and of course the car being blown up, they didn’t like that much- but I said, I could insure my house and that got blown up too, and I don’t see why you shouldn’t insure my car, and did you know I have a flower business, and we’ll have a new shop soon, so…”
Sarah Jane was at a complete loss for what to do. She was well aware that Gita’s one-sided conversations could go on for a period of several hours, but she did not have time for it today.
Sarah Jane pushed past Gita brusquely in her hurry and continued towards the shop, ignoring the frantic and furious protests coming from behind her.
“Did you see that, Haresh? That was rude! Did you see how rude that was? Honestly, ever since that day when there was- well, everyone says it was a training exercise but it was really an alien, wasn’t it, and I told you that there were aliens all along and I was right so-”
Beth sat alone. Beth did not always sit alone, and typically craved company, but today she was unhappy. This was because she was in a notably reflective mood, and whenever she became reflective, she began to develop melancholia. This particular bout had come largely as a result of discovering a previously unknown photograph of her father, who she barely remembered but had spent years imagining into a mightily heroic figure of parenting perfection. She had stared at the photograph for around twenty-five minutes, attempting to decipher precisely where it fit into her fantasy, but was unable to place it. After all, why wasn’t he wearing any-
There came a sharp knock at the door, and Beth gave a start. Both her mother and sister were well aware that she was in a reflective mood, and therefore should not be disturbed under any circumstances, so she momentarily wondered who it could be. She slowly got up from her established position on the sofa, stumbled towards the door and opened it.
“Beth!”
Dan pushed past Beth into her house, and began to speak at rapid pace about the events he had witnessed, including the unexpected arrival of a strange space alien man and the apparent destruction of Sarah Jane Smith. It was not until he had completed his tale, including the ending, in which the space alien man stormed off into the metaphorical sunset, that Beth was able to get a word in edgeways.
“My sister’s upstairs, you know. Also, I don’t-”
“What!?”
Dan bombarded Beth with questions regarding primarily the likelihood of her sister having heard, having believed it and intending to act upon it, but also several regarding what on Earth they were supposed to do without Sarah Jane and perhaps they should go and see Zoe and ask Zoe and whether Zoe will know what to do.
Beth agreed with the suggestion of consulting Zoe, and proposed that Dan go and see Zoe while she herself remained where she was, at home. Dan brushed this off and instructed Beth to come with him, and when pressed for a reason why, admitted that he found Zoe “a tiny bit scary”. Begrudgingly, although warming slightly to Dan following his remarkably human-sounding admission, Beth determined to go with him after all.
There came a sharp knock at the door, and Beth gave a start. Both her mother and sister were well aware that she was in a reflective mood, and therefore should not be disturbed under any circumstances, so she momentarily wondered who it could be. She slowly got up from her established position on the sofa, stumbled towards the door and opened it.
“Beth!”
Dan pushed past Beth into her house, and began to speak at rapid pace about the events he had witnessed, including the unexpected arrival of a strange space alien man and the apparent destruction of Sarah Jane Smith. It was not until he had completed his tale, including the ending, in which the space alien man stormed off into the metaphorical sunset, that Beth was able to get a word in edgeways.
“My sister’s upstairs, you know. Also, I don’t-”
“What!?”
Dan bombarded Beth with questions regarding primarily the likelihood of her sister having heard, having believed it and intending to act upon it, but also several regarding what on Earth they were supposed to do without Sarah Jane and perhaps they should go and see Zoe and ask Zoe and whether Zoe will know what to do.
Beth agreed with the suggestion of consulting Zoe, and proposed that Dan go and see Zoe while she herself remained where she was, at home. Dan brushed this off and instructed Beth to come with him, and when pressed for a reason why, admitted that he found Zoe “a tiny bit scary”. Begrudgingly, although warming slightly to Dan following his remarkably human-sounding admission, Beth determined to go with him after all.
Zoe had writer’s block. She did not tend to experience writer’s block, but on this occasion she was, and it had absorbed her entire being, and consumed her soul. She despised writer’s block, but was unable, upon those occasions upon which it struck, to dismiss it and find an alternative activity. The fact of being unable to write caused her, bizarrely, to garner an even greater determination to do precisely that, and each time this occurred, it pushed her mind almost to breaking point.
She was right in the midst of not having any ideas when the doorbell entirely interrupted her non-existent train of thought. She furiously stood up, pushed away her laptop, and stormed to the door to open it.
“WHAT?” demanded Zoe, before she had even had a chance to lay eyes upon the intruder. It turned out to be Dan, accompanied by a frustrated-looking Beth. Zoe momentarily contemplated the correct reaction, and settled for an expression which she hoped was quizzical but actually more resembled that of an extremely angry person who was trying to have a writer’s block in peace. All this went unnoticed by Dan, who found himself absolutely terrified and none the wiser as to why.
“Well,” began Dan, but, seeing that he was not likely to form a coherent sentence given what he had witnessed (and his intimidation at the sight of Zoe), he was rescued from having to speak by Beth, who managed to sum up perfectly briefly and intelligently what exactly had happened. The news of the possible death of Sarah Jane, accompanied by the fact of an angry space alien man being on the rampage, caused Zoe to almost entirely forget about writer’s block for several seconds until she regained her composure.
Eventually, the most obvious and important question occurred to Zoe: “In that case, where is Melody?”
Beth and Dan looked at each other in horror. Beth was quick to point out that it had been Dan who was meant to know where Melody was, as he had been the one with her in the first place, although Dan was quick to point out that he had been slightly distracted by the terrifying space man. Zoe was quick to point out that instead of bickering, perhaps they should go and look for her.
Dan said that maybe that was for the best.
She was right in the midst of not having any ideas when the doorbell entirely interrupted her non-existent train of thought. She furiously stood up, pushed away her laptop, and stormed to the door to open it.
“WHAT?” demanded Zoe, before she had even had a chance to lay eyes upon the intruder. It turned out to be Dan, accompanied by a frustrated-looking Beth. Zoe momentarily contemplated the correct reaction, and settled for an expression which she hoped was quizzical but actually more resembled that of an extremely angry person who was trying to have a writer’s block in peace. All this went unnoticed by Dan, who found himself absolutely terrified and none the wiser as to why.
“Well,” began Dan, but, seeing that he was not likely to form a coherent sentence given what he had witnessed (and his intimidation at the sight of Zoe), he was rescued from having to speak by Beth, who managed to sum up perfectly briefly and intelligently what exactly had happened. The news of the possible death of Sarah Jane, accompanied by the fact of an angry space alien man being on the rampage, caused Zoe to almost entirely forget about writer’s block for several seconds until she regained her composure.
Eventually, the most obvious and important question occurred to Zoe: “In that case, where is Melody?”
Beth and Dan looked at each other in horror. Beth was quick to point out that it had been Dan who was meant to know where Melody was, as he had been the one with her in the first place, although Dan was quick to point out that he had been slightly distracted by the terrifying space man. Zoe was quick to point out that instead of bickering, perhaps they should go and look for her.
Dan said that maybe that was for the best.
Melody woke up.
“Ah, half form.”
Standing in front of Melody’s bleary eyes was Commander Kaagh.
“The drug will leave your system upon your next excretion. That is, if I permit you to survive until that point. You see, half-form, I have a particularly important task for you.”
Melody did not like the sound of this. She had been instructed to conduct “tasks” for people before, and it was not something that she particularly enjoyed. Of course, she did not usually have much of a choice, so she resolved to hear the stumpy little man out before passing judgement.
Kaagh had had a very long day. He had already lugged a puny half form twelve and a half miles through sewers to his new makeshift headquarters, but he had a lot more ahead of him. After all, in his fairly extensive experience, conquering the Earth was not an easy feat. Kaagh had attempted this sort of invasion no less than three times, and each attempt had been thwarted by an enemy of the Sontaran Empire- and on two of these, the enemy was Sarah Jane Smith. This was what had qualified her for a war execution. Kaagh caught sight of Melody’s relaxed composure, so decided to resume his monologue.
“I am Commander Kaagh, of the Tenth Sontaran Battle Fleet. And, for the glory of the Sontaran Empire, I shall conquer your puny planet!”
Melody listened patiently to his extensive set of declarations, and then his “task”, and finally decided, given that her life was in jeopardy, she would fulfil his demands.
“Ah, half form.”
Standing in front of Melody’s bleary eyes was Commander Kaagh.
“The drug will leave your system upon your next excretion. That is, if I permit you to survive until that point. You see, half-form, I have a particularly important task for you.”
Melody did not like the sound of this. She had been instructed to conduct “tasks” for people before, and it was not something that she particularly enjoyed. Of course, she did not usually have much of a choice, so she resolved to hear the stumpy little man out before passing judgement.
Kaagh had had a very long day. He had already lugged a puny half form twelve and a half miles through sewers to his new makeshift headquarters, but he had a lot more ahead of him. After all, in his fairly extensive experience, conquering the Earth was not an easy feat. Kaagh had attempted this sort of invasion no less than three times, and each attempt had been thwarted by an enemy of the Sontaran Empire- and on two of these, the enemy was Sarah Jane Smith. This was what had qualified her for a war execution. Kaagh caught sight of Melody’s relaxed composure, so decided to resume his monologue.
“I am Commander Kaagh, of the Tenth Sontaran Battle Fleet. And, for the glory of the Sontaran Empire, I shall conquer your puny planet!”
Melody listened patiently to his extensive set of declarations, and then his “task”, and finally decided, given that her life was in jeopardy, she would fulfil his demands.
Sarah Jane sat in the cubicle and listened to Sentinel’s advice on her mobile phone, angrily. Sentinel could not help her against a Sontaran, but she had very little option at this point, and it would be to her significant advantage if the Sontaran believed her dead.
“Can you tell me if there are any more?”
“There is insufficient data, Sarah Jane. I would need a full analysis of the anatomy of a Sontaran individual to conduct a full scan.”
“But you’re supposed to have a full database! This is-”
But Sarah Jane did not have the opportunity to say what this was, because it was at this point that the phone fell out of her hand into the toilet.
This had turned into a critical operation.
Sarah Jane had several options at this point. She could simply dunk her whole arm into the cistern, but she didn’t particularly want to dunk her hand into toilet water.. Alternatively, she could empty her handbag and use it as a scoop, but it had been a reasonably expensive handbag and she did not want to ruin it. She had a final idea. She could flush the toilet in the hope it would be replaced by fresher water, but this would rely upon the phone being too large to be flushed away with it. Nevertheless, Sarah Jane saw this as the superior choice, despite the risk, so, tentatively, she pulled the lever.
The phone was gone in a swirling vortex of hope evaporating, and Sentinel was gone with it.
“Damn,” declared Sarah Jane; this was, of course, the equivalent of swearing (she maintained) from somebody who preferred to select more interesting vocabulary than the usual everyman.
Joy Gerly was washing her hands outside the cubicle of the supermarket toilet out of which Sarah Jane burst in fury. She had never even been in a public toilet with somebody else before, apart from her own mother and, being only ten years of age, was particularly shocked when Sarah Jane asked to use her phone. Joy did have a mobile phone, purchased for her by her parents for only ten pounds, but was hesitant to hand it over. After a moment of deliberation, she decided to do so, and Sarah Jane took it eagerly, and spoke into it the phrase “thirteen BR”.
Joy was shocked to witness her own phone replying to Sarah Jane’s voice and, furthermore, a small swirling desktop image appearing upon it.
“What?” said Joy’s phone.
“Sentinel, until further notice, I give you full permission to transfer to any compatible system in the case of an emergency.”
“I don’t need your permission, woman!” said Joy’s phone.
Sarah Jane rolled her eyes, switched off Joy’s phone and handed it back to the girl, and winked at her. She washed her own hands, then left the toilets, with the passing remark, “not a word”.
“Can you tell me if there are any more?”
“There is insufficient data, Sarah Jane. I would need a full analysis of the anatomy of a Sontaran individual to conduct a full scan.”
“But you’re supposed to have a full database! This is-”
But Sarah Jane did not have the opportunity to say what this was, because it was at this point that the phone fell out of her hand into the toilet.
This had turned into a critical operation.
Sarah Jane had several options at this point. She could simply dunk her whole arm into the cistern, but she didn’t particularly want to dunk her hand into toilet water.. Alternatively, she could empty her handbag and use it as a scoop, but it had been a reasonably expensive handbag and she did not want to ruin it. She had a final idea. She could flush the toilet in the hope it would be replaced by fresher water, but this would rely upon the phone being too large to be flushed away with it. Nevertheless, Sarah Jane saw this as the superior choice, despite the risk, so, tentatively, she pulled the lever.
The phone was gone in a swirling vortex of hope evaporating, and Sentinel was gone with it.
“Damn,” declared Sarah Jane; this was, of course, the equivalent of swearing (she maintained) from somebody who preferred to select more interesting vocabulary than the usual everyman.
Joy Gerly was washing her hands outside the cubicle of the supermarket toilet out of which Sarah Jane burst in fury. She had never even been in a public toilet with somebody else before, apart from her own mother and, being only ten years of age, was particularly shocked when Sarah Jane asked to use her phone. Joy did have a mobile phone, purchased for her by her parents for only ten pounds, but was hesitant to hand it over. After a moment of deliberation, she decided to do so, and Sarah Jane took it eagerly, and spoke into it the phrase “thirteen BR”.
Joy was shocked to witness her own phone replying to Sarah Jane’s voice and, furthermore, a small swirling desktop image appearing upon it.
“What?” said Joy’s phone.
“Sentinel, until further notice, I give you full permission to transfer to any compatible system in the case of an emergency.”
“I don’t need your permission, woman!” said Joy’s phone.
Sarah Jane rolled her eyes, switched off Joy’s phone and handed it back to the girl, and winked at her. She washed her own hands, then left the toilets, with the passing remark, “not a word”.
Zoe and Beth became extremely worried as they realised that Melody had gone. Dan, on the other hand, considered it higher on his priorities to become scared of the reaction of his cohorts rather than the possible fate of the girl. He was so stricken by the potential ill-humour that may have developed towards him that he made immediately to leave the house once it had been established that Melody was not there. Zoe did not take kindly to this attempt at escape, so called Dan out on it.
“Are you trying to leave?”
“Well, er, she’s not here, is she, so-”
“Emergency! Emergency! Emergency!”
This final statement had come not from Zoe, Beth or Dan; it had come from the television. Sentinel had appeared upon it, and was flashing red.
Dan was far too confused to react, and Zoe was a tad preoccupied with being cross with Dan for attempting to abandon them, so it was Beth who asked, with impressive urgency, what the emergency was.
“Threat to life: Planet Earth.”
It took the trio a moment to register the implications of this statement. Zoe, for instance, wondered what in the world could be seriously threatening all of humanity all of a sudden. Beth wondered whether that was supposed to include animals, plants and microorganisms as well, and decided that if it did, it really was significant. Dan wondered what the hell that was supposed to mean anyway.
“Are you trying to leave?”
“Well, er, she’s not here, is she, so-”
“Emergency! Emergency! Emergency!”
This final statement had come not from Zoe, Beth or Dan; it had come from the television. Sentinel had appeared upon it, and was flashing red.
Dan was far too confused to react, and Zoe was a tad preoccupied with being cross with Dan for attempting to abandon them, so it was Beth who asked, with impressive urgency, what the emergency was.
“Threat to life: Planet Earth.”
It took the trio a moment to register the implications of this statement. Zoe, for instance, wondered what in the world could be seriously threatening all of humanity all of a sudden. Beth wondered whether that was supposed to include animals, plants and microorganisms as well, and decided that if it did, it really was significant. Dan wondered what the hell that was supposed to mean anyway.
Five hours earlier, Melody woke up, for the fifth consecutive time, in a sewer. She did not particularly like the sewer, and would much rather have been at home with Sarah Jane. On the other hand, this current predicament was vastly preferable to her previous existence fleeing from the- whatever that was- and, after all, at least she wasn’t dead. She had been expecting to be dead by now, or, less likely, to have escaped, but, miraculously, Kaagh had not killed her yet. This made Melody yet more anxious, given that the task she had been instructed to conduct had been completed four days previously. Melody sometimes wondered whether she was being kept as a hostage, or even as a sort of untouched plaything for Kaagh, but neither of these possible roles had so far become evident.
“Ah! Half form! You are awake!”
Kaagh approached Melody, inexplicably, with a packet of a gooey, yellow substance that tasted of black pudding and ketchup mixed with spit and wee, finished off with a distinct aftertaste of extremely mouldy apple. This, Kaagh maintained, was Melody’s “daily nutrient ration” and, indeed, it had kept her perfectly healthy during her time in the sewer thus far.
Kaagh seemed in an unusually happy mood that day, which concerned Melody greatly. She would have asked him why, but that would have been foolish, and she knew that there was a distinct possibility that he would subject her to a second bout of extreme mental torture (whereby he had injected something into Melody’s arm which had caused her to become absolutely convinced that she was about to drown in a puddle of mud).
Kaagh, surprisingly, answered Melody’s question without her having to ask it.
“It is working, half form. We are ready. We will commence the attack upon Planet Earth today.”
Melody wished that she had not heard that.
“Ah! Half form! You are awake!”
Kaagh approached Melody, inexplicably, with a packet of a gooey, yellow substance that tasted of black pudding and ketchup mixed with spit and wee, finished off with a distinct aftertaste of extremely mouldy apple. This, Kaagh maintained, was Melody’s “daily nutrient ration” and, indeed, it had kept her perfectly healthy during her time in the sewer thus far.
Kaagh seemed in an unusually happy mood that day, which concerned Melody greatly. She would have asked him why, but that would have been foolish, and she knew that there was a distinct possibility that he would subject her to a second bout of extreme mental torture (whereby he had injected something into Melody’s arm which had caused her to become absolutely convinced that she was about to drown in a puddle of mud).
Kaagh, surprisingly, answered Melody’s question without her having to ask it.
“It is working, half form. We are ready. We will commence the attack upon Planet Earth today.”
Melody wished that she had not heard that.
Meanwhile, Sarah Jane was still distraught. She had not seen Melody- or the Sontaran- for five days, and this could not be good news. She had no evidence to suggest that there was even a correlation between the two individuals, or even that Melody had seen the Sontaran at all, but her intuition could not ignore the coincidence. She cursed herself for fleeing the invader without first ensuring the safety of the one person she had sworn to protect, the one person that she had been determined to place the life of before her own, but she was powerless to change her past actions.
Sentinel had reported a state of emergency five days previously, but had remained silent since, and, when asked, informed Sarah Jane repeatedly that there had been a malfunction. He also refused to have the remotest inkling or theory as to the possible locations that she could currently be in.
“Sarah Jane?”
Sarah Jane had no idea how long Dan had been standing there. Had he seen her tears? She wiped them swiftly away, turned around and beamed in an unconvincing attempt at what she had assumed was her usual self.
Dan had never witnessed Sarah Jane in this sort of state, and it did nothing to improve the guilt that had been gnawing at his being for a period of several days.
The truth was that nobody had really known what to do for the five days during which Melody had so far been absent. Zoe’s writer’s block had intensified, but this time it had not frustrated her; it had merely left her empty and vulnerable. Beth had been unable to fathom what to do with herself, but it had been Dan who had felt the greatest need to repent. He had never carried such a burden as this before, and he had not been able to take his mind off it for longer than five minutes during any waking hour.
Dan had not argued with anybody. He had not raised any sorts of debates or got into any sorts of fights. He had remained totally calm and said very little at all to anybody. He had been completely soundless while putting up the various redundant posters of Melody around the neighbourhood, the ink and paper for which had been entirely paid for by him using the small cash reserves he had. It had consumed his weekend entirely, but this did not reduce his guilt, but rather increase it, as it slowly became clear that his mission to single-handedly find Melody was doomed.
There had been a police investigation, of course, but that sort of thing did not always yield results. Indeed, Sergeant Slipper had become desensitised to the horrors of missing children years and years back, for the sheer volume of such cases. He had not really expected to find this “Melody”, so hadn’t tried particularly hard anyway. Mr Eric Smith and his meddlesome niece Zoe had been impertinent thorns in his side, in that Mr Smith appeared to have a vested interest in this Melody, and wished the case to come to something, whereas Sergeant Slipper didn’t much care, and didn’t take kindly to being kept from his doughnuts and growing pension fund by this person, who expected him to do actual work.Unfortunately, Smith’s niece refused to let him walk away from the case, and badgered him constantly.
Mr Eric Smith did not like Sergeant Slipper. In fact, he despised him, and considered him to represent all that was corrupt about the state. He felt so strongly about this particular case that he did more than his usual actions regarding the police (which was to write many letters to people and organise campaigns about various things), and attempted to aid the police. Slipper had told him, very harshly, on numerous occasions, that he shouldn’t try to help, and that he had no chance of actually achieving things, but it had, after all, been Eric who had found the mysterious equipment covered in Melody’s fingerprints.
Sarah Jane had not taken kindly to the discovery of the equipment. The reason for which she had recoiled as she had been shown it was that she knew exactly what it was, and it terrified her absolutely. The possibilities it raised transcended her long-standing theory that Melody was being forced to do something for Kaagh; Sarah Jane was sure that she knew exactly what Kaagh’s plan was, and it shook her to her core.
Sentinel had reported a state of emergency five days previously, but had remained silent since, and, when asked, informed Sarah Jane repeatedly that there had been a malfunction. He also refused to have the remotest inkling or theory as to the possible locations that she could currently be in.
“Sarah Jane?”
Sarah Jane had no idea how long Dan had been standing there. Had he seen her tears? She wiped them swiftly away, turned around and beamed in an unconvincing attempt at what she had assumed was her usual self.
Dan had never witnessed Sarah Jane in this sort of state, and it did nothing to improve the guilt that had been gnawing at his being for a period of several days.
The truth was that nobody had really known what to do for the five days during which Melody had so far been absent. Zoe’s writer’s block had intensified, but this time it had not frustrated her; it had merely left her empty and vulnerable. Beth had been unable to fathom what to do with herself, but it had been Dan who had felt the greatest need to repent. He had never carried such a burden as this before, and he had not been able to take his mind off it for longer than five minutes during any waking hour.
Dan had not argued with anybody. He had not raised any sorts of debates or got into any sorts of fights. He had remained totally calm and said very little at all to anybody. He had been completely soundless while putting up the various redundant posters of Melody around the neighbourhood, the ink and paper for which had been entirely paid for by him using the small cash reserves he had. It had consumed his weekend entirely, but this did not reduce his guilt, but rather increase it, as it slowly became clear that his mission to single-handedly find Melody was doomed.
There had been a police investigation, of course, but that sort of thing did not always yield results. Indeed, Sergeant Slipper had become desensitised to the horrors of missing children years and years back, for the sheer volume of such cases. He had not really expected to find this “Melody”, so hadn’t tried particularly hard anyway. Mr Eric Smith and his meddlesome niece Zoe had been impertinent thorns in his side, in that Mr Smith appeared to have a vested interest in this Melody, and wished the case to come to something, whereas Sergeant Slipper didn’t much care, and didn’t take kindly to being kept from his doughnuts and growing pension fund by this person, who expected him to do actual work.Unfortunately, Smith’s niece refused to let him walk away from the case, and badgered him constantly.
Mr Eric Smith did not like Sergeant Slipper. In fact, he despised him, and considered him to represent all that was corrupt about the state. He felt so strongly about this particular case that he did more than his usual actions regarding the police (which was to write many letters to people and organise campaigns about various things), and attempted to aid the police. Slipper had told him, very harshly, on numerous occasions, that he shouldn’t try to help, and that he had no chance of actually achieving things, but it had, after all, been Eric who had found the mysterious equipment covered in Melody’s fingerprints.
Sarah Jane had not taken kindly to the discovery of the equipment. The reason for which she had recoiled as she had been shown it was that she knew exactly what it was, and it terrified her absolutely. The possibilities it raised transcended her long-standing theory that Melody was being forced to do something for Kaagh; Sarah Jane was sure that she knew exactly what Kaagh’s plan was, and it shook her to her core.
Kaagh switched on the machine. It was his very favourite type of machine in the whole universe, because it produced his very favourite type of weaponry, and it filled him with glee that he was looking upon such a glorious armament. The attack on the Planet Earth would shortly be underway, and the humans would have no chance to resist at all; soon, Earth would belong to the Sontaran Empire, and the war against the Enemies of the Sontarans could be won at last!
Melody looked upon the machine in horror. She knew exactly what was coming out of it, and she knew exactly what it meant for humanity. She wished that she could warn Sarah Jane and the others as to what Kaagh was attempting to do, despite her five days of Hell, but she was still unable to move, and had been ever since Kaagh had injected her with what he called “paralysis”. It was all that she could do to keep her breathing constant. She struggled against her own body, desperate to run, despite the risk to her life that it might pose, but she found herself totally unable to do anything at all.
If only Sarah Jane knew what was coming.
Melody looked upon the machine in horror. She knew exactly what was coming out of it, and she knew exactly what it meant for humanity. She wished that she could warn Sarah Jane and the others as to what Kaagh was attempting to do, despite her five days of Hell, but she was still unable to move, and had been ever since Kaagh had injected her with what he called “paralysis”. It was all that she could do to keep her breathing constant. She struggled against her own body, desperate to run, despite the risk to her life that it might pose, but she found herself totally unable to do anything at all.
If only Sarah Jane knew what was coming.
Sarah Jane knew exactly what was coming, and had barricaded her house. Within, she had smuggled Beth, Zoe, Dan, Gita, Haresh and Mr Nibbles. She could not permit anybody else within, in case they saw her booby traps, but she had no intention of allowing this street to fall anyway. She would not wait within the house with the others. She had work to do.
Sarah Jane slowly picked up the enormous laser gun that she had sworn never to use from its dusty case, and exited her house, bolting several layers of locks and setting a further four traps for possible invaders. She knew that it only had enough power for two shots (assuming that it had not lost anything over the years), but there were occasions that called for it, and this was one. The Dalek invasion of 2009 had taught her that much; she could never allow the possibility of the deaths of her friends again.
She knew that she needed more than a gun, however. Despite not having seen him for around two years, she needed the Doctor. She could not defend the Earth alone. She could hardly protect her own street! She dug into her handbag for her phone.
Her phone was not in her handbag. Her phone was in pieces in a sewer twelve miles away. Blast. Sarah Jane had two options: she could stay where she was and protect her street, or she could dive into Gita and Haresh’s empty house (for which she had a spare key) and ask Sentinel to call The Doctor using their television. In a split second, she chose the latter option, determined to be as fast as possible.
The street was left defenceless.
Sarah Jane slowly picked up the enormous laser gun that she had sworn never to use from its dusty case, and exited her house, bolting several layers of locks and setting a further four traps for possible invaders. She knew that it only had enough power for two shots (assuming that it had not lost anything over the years), but there were occasions that called for it, and this was one. The Dalek invasion of 2009 had taught her that much; she could never allow the possibility of the deaths of her friends again.
She knew that she needed more than a gun, however. Despite not having seen him for around two years, she needed the Doctor. She could not defend the Earth alone. She could hardly protect her own street! She dug into her handbag for her phone.
Her phone was not in her handbag. Her phone was in pieces in a sewer twelve miles away. Blast. Sarah Jane had two options: she could stay where she was and protect her street, or she could dive into Gita and Haresh’s empty house (for which she had a spare key) and ask Sentinel to call The Doctor using their television. In a split second, she chose the latter option, determined to be as fast as possible.
The street was left defenceless.
Kaagh was running, with a large gun, and was heading towards Sarah Jane Smith’s house, blasting things left, right and centre. He had no idea that Sarah Jane was still alive; indeed, the possibility had not arisen in his mind. All that he was thinking was that he should pilfer her alien artifacts and use them to overpower the humans in order to take over the Earth for the glory of the Sontaran Empire. It was the sole task he had been intended to perform, and now was his chance to fulfill this destiny.
A barricade! Kaagh liked barricades. They meant that there were enemies hiding behind them. Kaagh could easily overpower a barricade. He blasted down Sarah Jane’s door, and entered the hallway. He noticed the unusual looking locks that he had destroyed lying on the floor, and bent down to pick them up, fortuitously avoiding the log flying through the air, directed at his probic vent (that is, it would have been, had he been standing up). Kaagh noticed this pass above his head, and realised that he had found a worthy (yet cowardly) enemy who was capable of setting traps. No matter, he thought to himself, and he entirely failed to slip on the slime spread across the floor, or become stuck on the trick door covered in wet Apalapucian Superglue. He noted the many clearly homemade attempts to overpower him, and applauded them, but disregarded them. They could not stop him.
A barricade! Kaagh liked barricades. They meant that there were enemies hiding behind them. Kaagh could easily overpower a barricade. He blasted down Sarah Jane’s door, and entered the hallway. He noticed the unusual looking locks that he had destroyed lying on the floor, and bent down to pick them up, fortuitously avoiding the log flying through the air, directed at his probic vent (that is, it would have been, had he been standing up). Kaagh noticed this pass above his head, and realised that he had found a worthy (yet cowardly) enemy who was capable of setting traps. No matter, he thought to himself, and he entirely failed to slip on the slime spread across the floor, or become stuck on the trick door covered in wet Apalapucian Superglue. He noted the many clearly homemade attempts to overpower him, and applauded them, but disregarded them. They could not stop him.
“This number does not exist.”
“How can it not exist? It’s the Doctor’s number! Of course it exists! Now please call it!”
“No signal.”
“What? What do you mean- Oh no.”
The television had switched unexpectedly off, along with all of the lights in the street. Darkness was beginning to blanket the sky, for it was sunset, and Sarah Jane realised that this would soon mean that the enemy had a distinct advantage, and would be able to launch a surprise attack.
The television shattered as it was hit by what looked like a bolt of lightning. Sarah Jane turned around to see, an inch from her nose, the end of a Sontaran gun, and Kaagh staring maliciously at her, licking his lips.
Gita was confused. She had already been pushed aside by Sarah Jane, and subsequently been called by Sarah Jane in a gruff and intimidating new voice, not to mention being told to stay inside Sarah Jane’s house, and having to search for Melody, and now, she was face to face with a slightly short and stocky man dressed in a strange blue onesie type thing. And this man was holding a gun to her head. All in all, she determined, this had been a particularly unusual week.
Kaagh licked his lips, ready to shoot dead the two puny humans, three puny half forms, and one mighty yet inferior animal. They didn’t stand a chance...
Kaagh licked his lips, ready to shoot dead the two puny humans, three puny half forms, and one mighty yet inferior animal. They didn’t stand a chance...
Melody was absolutely terrified. Had she outgrown her use as a plaything? For Kaagh was staring at her, holding his gun up against her head, and licking his lips.
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